Per per preoccuparsi o non preoccuparsi

"You always crib"!!!..This is the single most popular comment I have heard people make about me. Not that I am happy about it but as all Capricornians, I just have this constant feeling that something is not correct and in 99.99% cases most of the things are not right! I can't say I have the desire for more because "more" is a bus I am always trying to catch, so I am sitting here in my office on a weekend day doing what I do best (also known as nothing) and thinking what does cribbing actually mean and can I do something about it.

A man's greatest strength is to identify his weakness and do something about it so I went in search of what cribbing actually meant. I usually don’t go too far these days in search of knowledge. All I need to do is to search in google and . . . .tadaa. . . . all my questions are answered.

Cribbing is a compulsive behavior or "stable vice" seen in some horses (In my case Stud would be the preferred word). It involves the horse (me) grabbing a solid object ( yikes!! May be not always solid..... sometimes imaginary stuff too! Issues like trivial matters, financial and career concerns, family issues, relationship concerns, fiancé and the endless list goes on) such as the stall door or fence rail (something which I feel I am attached to), with his incisors (sometimes incisors are my sharp mind or even sharper tongue), arching his neck ( that’s required because that’s where the HEAD and in it often the BRAIN is, though they are usually on vacation whenever I need them), pulling against the object, and sucking in air.

( "Yup!! That’s exactly how I GRAB hold of the situation and make a total mess of it.. See how easy and effortless it is to crib.. No wonder I do it so often. Considering I wouldn't have cribbed had someone told me that it burnt calories!'' Yes! I adore my lazy self.)

Cribbing is thought to cause the release of endorphins in the horse's (my) brain ("hormones which release stress, anxiety, worry and tension in my case.. the feeling that by worrying about it I can solve it! I know, what a smart ass!"), causing a sensation of pleasure ( Yup as my fiancé would say " You derive so much pleasure from this don’t you! Worrying about nothing and complaining all the time.")

A related habit, wood-chewing, does not involve sucking in air; the horse simply gnaws on wood rails or boards as if they were food (Ya very true!! When there is nothing major to worry about you always find something smaller. Like your girl friend staying out late, waiting too long for things to happen, why isnt she picking up the phone, why is no one scrappin me in orkut, no non-vegetarian food, too much traffic and so on.... quick cribbing just to keep the grey cells busy.)

Causes and solutions

Cribbing is usually caused by boredom or anxiety, but usually both causes are related to confinement ( Yes!! The ultimate desire for man to break free from peer pressure, ambition, family pressure, performance pressure and so on.... When he feels tied down and he feels he is not doing enough and he feels he has no control over the situation). It is therefore seen most often in horses (men) that are stalled for long periods ( Yup! Chained to the same work desk for years, same friends every weekend, same life nothing actually HAPPENING. The constant feeling that enough is not good enough). Once a confirmed habit, the horse may crib in other places, even out in a grassy field, though extended turnout does, over time, reduce the frequency and intensity of cribbing (Yup! No matter how good things are for me I continue to crib. Even if things are really really great I manage to see the dark, negative, boring side of it so easily and the only time I reduce cribbing is when nothing goes wrong for like 6 months! I know very rare..... but I am working on it). Cribbing can be minimized by having the horse wear a "cribbing strap," a collar-like device that prevents the horse from swelling its neck to suck in air ( Ok!! Got the message loud and clear in the words of my most loved one "What you need is a SMACK where it really hurts!'') heee haaawwww!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Well actually there is no sure shot cure for cribbing. Maybe a little scotch-tape and wire might help but that too will take time to show results. So until I find something else to chew sorry I mean worry about. I am the happiest Stud I know.

Maid um miyaa

Here we go! One more Diwali! Crackers, sweets, new clothes, guests, rangoli. Yes, that was the good part! Buildings catching fire, houses partially and completely eated up by fire caught due to the mishandling of crackers, burnt body part due to carelessness, fire-extinguishers summoned. All this is on a very global front but what happens at home is a personal secret, secretively shared with everyone.
My maid seems a little discontent and disturbed these days. Holi came and went away, Dushera passed by without any festive mood but here come diwali- the festival of lights and inevitable noise pollution! She, the maid in question arrives early morning banging at the door and waking me up from my sweetdream, barging into my room ready to tell me the tall tales of 'dakshees' she received from the various kind-hearted people for whom she cooks and cleans. One is the richie rich who lives in a lavish 17K rented apartment bang opposite to my apartment. He gave Rs.200 and 1/2 kg sweet bought all the way from Delhi. Another is where she was generously given a entire month's salary as the 'bakshees'. Yet another one where she received a saree and cash and sweets. I was wondering... Is she trying to make me jealous by elaborating very efficiently what others gave and making me look down upon myself! I guess that was a very good trick to bring in me the competitve spirit. But I have to take second and third and fourth opinion from my roomies to satisfy the competitive hunger I felt rising deep inside me. So, I went and asked them if they feel the same internal pull and everyone clearly stated their unwillingness to participate in the marathon to famedom among the maid community. There was a sudden dip in my desire to elevate my position and I sulked back in bed trying to recollect the dream and wondering about methods to go back to it. The maid wasnt satisfied with the ice cold response and the cold revolt began. She demonstrated her frustration and irritability in numerous way, firstly by refusing to wash the utensil which she generously and self-willingly used to clean. She talked less and had a long face and thoughtful mode switched on everytime she entered our apartment. I missed her 16-teeth-prutruding-outward-smile. She asked Poornima to get anklet from her hometown as she was leaving for home and enquired everyday if it was going to be bought and brought! Her daughter was in dire need of it and it seems that she had treatened with suicide if the anklet was not made available at the earliest. Poornima returned without the object of desire but the responsibility to buy one was passed over to Ashwini who was on holiday as well.
The news that Poornima arrived without the anklet left Archana shattered but she managed to postpone her daughters' suicide attempt for a few more days. We bought her a saree and she immediately rejected it when we delined to offer her money on top of this. She complained that the saree is worth Rs. 100 and clearly mentioned that it was way below her standard but yet she would take it if and only if extra money was 'wishfully' and 'willingly' given.
The match is still going on and Ashwini's arrival is awaited. If she brings the anklet then the peace and calm of the inhabitants can be restored or else.....

Walking down the path

He was waiting for me to unite. He was watching over me. I learnt from him the meaning of tender love, protection and care and what being partial meant as well. He waslked and i walked besides him holding hand and nagging and dragging him towards the direction of the stream taking its smooth and gently turn. He held my fingers tight sending across a sensation I long for today. If only I was as tall as him I would lay a peck on his cheek to indicate that i understood what went through his head, but I often did that when he sat down on his rocking chair besides the large window smoking his 'beedi'. He loved this beedi and smoked as much as possible throwing the bud out of the window where it lay like the various designs the bangles in the kaleidescope makes when given a slight jitter. I secretively picked those buds and sat beneath my bed to ravish what he lovingly puffed till the beedi met his skin and sent satisfactory aroma all about him. The distinct smell of the beedi still lingers in my head when I close my eyes and imagine him. My grandfather was a man of many airs and respected yet the most kindest soul I had met. He was definitely kind to me and I dont care how he was to the rest of the world.
He had left me at age eleven to blossom into a woman all alone. I missed him but talking about him at home brought tears to 'the mother dearest' of mine hence everything which included his name was avoided. It was suddenly at the bank I had an urgent urge to see him. Long dead he lay buried in the fertile soil of Kerala, become one with the soil which he and his ancestors served and worshipped. So, I walked down the Powai hill and stood in front of The Holy Trinity Church. Lush green with dedonia planted all over, colourful flowers and tall tress filled the premises beautifully. The name of the church was engraved in huge alphabets over the arch of the main gate. The main gate opened to a straight road leading straight to the church. The chapel and the Reverand's residence nested before the church while the church was towards the interior. The path was shady and a mystic breeze blew leaving a sense of peace and calm deliverng happiness and comfort to the wayward minds of people walking on this path. I took my first steps on this road and suddenly felt an instant desire to visit the cemetary. I asked the guard where the church was and he politely guided me. I walked praying in my mind that I may feel his presence and love again. I wished that the long dead souls may purify my spirit and the fire in me may be replaced by the cool water of the silent stream that flowed beneath my home in Kerala where I often dragged my grandfather. I reached the bend on the path that led to the cemetary and I walked. There lay a ruin behind the church which stood almost the height of the church building. It had trees growing over it and tall lush green grasses all around it. Lonely birds nestled with their young ones chirping and basking in the sunlight pouring from in between the leaves of the peepal trees growing on the ruined building. White butterflies flew about suddenly and filled the place with magic which only the fairies of the earth would have created. There was a huge pit dug up and soil was moved from in there to cover the coffin ones it was laid. I stood at the gate of the cemetary and wondered if I should go in. Everything looked peaceful and somewhere I felt that the souls had reached repentence and would have been purged with hyssop and unified with the purgatory part of the universe.
I turned for a moment and thought someone was watching over me. I looked around carefully around the green grass grown like the scandinavian grass and traced a man watching me. He was the same watchman who had showed me the way and was just safeguarding me from the dead. Only I knew that the dead gave me peace and took me a step closer to my grandfather.